You know you need to hire a web designer when… : Intuitive Designs

Dec

2009

You know you need to hire a web designer when…

by Naomi Niles

Surprise!

You have been sued by more than one person because your blinking gifs sent them into an epileptic seizure.
The first reaction that people have when visiting your site is “Arghh, my eyes! They are burning!!”.
The traffic counter you so proudly display on your site says, “10 visitors this year”.
Instead of customers contacting you, they run away screaming.
No one appreciates that hyper techno midi music you have playing automatically in the background when entering your site.
Your 6 year old niece makes nicer web designs than you do.
No one can figure out what that navigation link you have called “stuff” is about.
A hundred browser windows pop up when you visit your site, but you’re not sure how they got there.
Your website is so slow, you have enough time to go to the bathroom, grab a coke, and make a sandwich before it’s ready.
Your text is in all-caps, yet you can’t understand why the people calling you after visiting the site are yelling at you.
You’ve never heard of a spell checker in your life. What’s that all about?
You sold one e-book off your site…5 years ago.
You like bright colors and rainbows and oh so proudly display them wherever you can on your site.
Your site pages display at the bottom, “Updated on June 2, 1998.”
You think the 404 page is pretty awesome. Those bad links? No problem! Just send them to the 404 page!
No matter what you do, Google refuses to touch your site with a 10 foot pole.
Every time you want to update your site, it takes you 10 hours, 4 coffees, and 10 beers.
You still proudly display that article you wrote in 1999 about new technology on your home page.
You still call your website, your “home page”.
You cried yourself to sleep when Geocities closed down.
Your website is so confusing, it takes a cryptologist to figure out what the hell it’s about.
You love comic sans and use it liberally.
Making each page of your website have a different design seemed like an edgy idea at the time.
You designed your site graphics using Photoshop 5.
You refuse to let people enter your site without making them watch your splash page animation beforehand. You affectionately call it “the red rope”.
All of your site page titles are called, “Untitled Document”.
Your website only looks good in Netscape 4, and you are proud of that fact since it’s the browser you use.
You think that effect you implemented with snowflakes trailing the cursor around is pretty darned cute.
All of the links on your site pages say “CLICK HERE!!”, yet nobody knows where they actually go.
You adopt your advertising techniques from used car salesmen. That flashing marquee text at the top of the page talking about your latest sale? Awesome.
If your site site visitors don’t have javascript and flash installed, screw ‘em. What are they, living in the ice ages?
People have to squint to read your text. Make them work to read it!
Your website header is a scan from your business stationary letterhead.
You think that that graphic you have of two businessmen shaking hands makes your website look uber professional.
You define your masterpiece as the site you built for your cat, Jingles.
All of your website graphics are from that free clipart library you got with Microsoft Office.
You underline your text when you want to show how important it is.
You don’t understand why people resize their images before putting them on websites. Why don’t they just set the size in the html? So much easier.
More than half of your site pages are “under construction” with the obligatory construction cone graphic.
You are extremely proud of your mastery of all the Photoshop filters and effects, particularly bevel and emboss.